The twelve step model of recovery, as practiced in Alcoholics Anonymous, works to humble this inflated sense of self-importance. For those with no self-worth, though, it can be a nail in the coffin of healing; the antithesis of what’s needed to heal, grow, forgive, and recover.
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In the depths of my addiction, I believed redemption, healing, and forgiveness were reserved for people who had something worthwhile to contribute to the world. I had heard plenty of stories about people who struggled with drugs, alcohol, or behavioral addiction, and then recovered and led meaningful lives. Whether they changed the world in a big public way, or through more personal contributions, was not nearly so important as the fact that they had something worth contributing. And that, I believed, was something I would never have.
Recovery wasn’t something I deserved. I had caused too much pain to my family and friends. And even if I managed to stay sober, I had destroyed any chance I may have once had of being a functioning member of society. My very existence was a drain on the world, and I felt it would be best to bow out. My sense of self-worth was non-existent.
On the other end of the spectrum, many addicts suffer from delusions of grandeur. An exaggerated view of one’s own importance, competence, and rightness whip the winds of addiction into a hurricane of destruction. And why would such a person ever listen to the counsel of a therapist, let alone a group of addicts? Why would such a person, certain of his own power, ever deign to relinquish it by tempering the ego?
The twelve step model of recovery, as practiced in Alcoholics Anonymous, works to humble this inflated sense of self-importance. For those with no self-worth, though, it can be a nail in the coffin of healing; the antithesis of what’s needed to heal, grow, forgive, and recover.
In both situations, our struggle is with ego. It’s no coincidence that both psychology and spirituality have explored the topic of “self” at length. Not only do psychologists and theologians not always see eye to eye with one another, they disagree amongst themselves, as well, as various schools of thought compete in the marketplace of ideas. And while the debate may lead to progress and knowledge in the long term, it creates confusion for the addict seeking recovery. For the addict seeking recovery, this can be fatal.
Through committed, daily practice of a personal, contemplative, inner spirituality, we may have the insight of our own divinity. Consciousness becomes conscious of itself; aware of the fact that consciousness is all there is, and all there ever was. We may realize that “I am that, and always was, and always will be.” Not only that, but if God (or consciousness, or Buddha nature) is all there is, then we’re all God.
This insight, born of mystical “state” experience, is the beginning of awakening, and it represents an important turning point in our spiritual development. But it’s not the end of the journey. Having recognized the insight of non-duality and oneness with “capital S” Self, we must then learn to reconcile this infinite cosmic identity with the ego self that still exists in the world.
The gift of contemplative spirituality and non-dual insight for the addict in recovery is that, by learning to hold the finite self and the infinite self together, the ego “right-sizes” itself. The balancing act reminds us, when we struggle to see our value, that we are not other than one with the divine . And yet, should we feel overly self-certain, we remember our fallible, finite selves, who say and do foolish things and make plenty of mistakes.
As we balance the push and pull of the finite and infinite selves, we discover that the tension breeds creativity. We learn to bridge the gap between the relative truth of our lives and the absolute truth of who we are. We acknowledge the role of Self in our good work, which keeps us humble. And we allow ourselves to feel proud that we have done noble work. As we work to close the distance between the two, we recover. We heal. And we move closer to what we are already…but not yet.
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